Do you ever have moments that you are just completely overwhelmed....mentally, physically, and emotionally.... those moments seemed to have turned into days as of late. I feel as if no matter what I do someone is going to be hurt, or offended. I seem to be catching anger and frustration from all sides. I feel pushed away and neglected and unwanted. If I try to express my feelings they get turned back around on me and everything is made to be my fault or a direct counteraction to some action that I have had. Its like everyone else is allowed to treat me like crap, lash out at me and have whatever kind of emotion they are feeling but I am supposed to just shut it down and not feel anything because somehow their feeling must have been my fault. I can't win. What's the point, I keep being told that I need to change, I don't understand why I am the only one that needs to change. I feel completely alone in the world... I can't really talk to anyone...not even the person that is supposed to be my very best friend in the whole world...he can't even try to understand that their might be another side to the story or that I might just have a point. Its that I am always fighting him and I can't never even back down when I am wrong...I always have to be right.... I don't feel that way at all. I don't feel like I am ever allowed to be right. I really missed him tonight and just wanted to talk because he always makes things better....but he hasn't really made an effort to talk to me today...he never text me until after I text him. He doesn't call to talk unless he needs something. I'm just really feeling unwanted. Tomorrow is a new day....maybe it will be a busy one and I won't have time to think.....
Monday, April 15, 2013
My momma said there would be days like this....days that things really didn't make sense...days that little things would happen that just made you want to shake your head and give up....today was definitely one of those days....but then there are these little moments that make it seem not so bad...moments that make you smile when you feel like crying...and moments that make you laugh out loud even if there is nobody listening. I am trying to make the best of the hand that we are given..... holding on to the moments..... like being loved on out of the blue this morning....going to a coupon class and meeting new people while learning new things....and then hanging out and doing taxes with the brother in laws gf....laughing so hard...telling stories and just relaxing....getting ready for vacation to see a piece of my heart marry her very best friend...I may not have it all together.....but together we have it all....I am so very thankful for this life I have been blessed with. Even when it hurts....even when feels like its all gonna fall apart.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
I am really coming to believe this... Courage really is saying I have done all I can do and I will try again tomorrow. Even when I know that tomorrow is going to hurt just as bad as today. My heart hurts. My soul feels like it is drowning.. I always thought that my husband was the one person that I could tell anything to. NO matter what, he would be my sounding board. I always try to be that for him, no matter if it is against me or not. I try to always let him vent to me, take his anger out on me. I am not supposed to say anything. I cant have my own feelings, because they are wrong. At least that is how I feel. I have fought and fought for this marriage. Thru all of his PTSD setbacks even though they broke my heart continuously. Thru all of his so called friends. It was me who has always been there for him. I feel like I have nobody. I cant talk to my family, I dont want them to think differently of him. I cant really tell my friends, they wouldnt understand. I watch myself being shut out daily. It is very painful. He makes time for the kids, I am very thankful for that. But time with me has to come on his terms when he is ready. Forget the fact that I need him. I feel like I have noone. I cant tell him my feelings about the kids, because he always turns it around to be my fault. Anything that happens in this house always turn back to me. Turns back to being my fault, I did something to cause it. I am the adult and they are the children and I am supposed to just let them push my buttons. I am supposed to treat them differently. They are different people. They come to us from different situations. I cant punish one of them from love and affection because the other one doesnt want that but is jealous of it. I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I truly feel like I am the one that is drowning. No matter how hard I try they only seem to see the things that I didnt do. I try to be there for ALL of them. Only to be pushed aside and not wanted. Who is supposed to be there for me? Who am I supposed to go to when I need an outlet, I always thought that would be my husband, that he would catch me if I was falling, not be the one pushing me harder down. I HATE PTSD!I hate that conversations are forgotten and then it always seems to make me out to be the bad guy. Then the anger comes and then the pulling and pushing away... I hate that this was the hand that we were dealt, but it is what it is and tomorrow I will try again. I wont give up! Even when it hurts, even when it all seems to fall apart.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
About that other direction. How do you know when to turn around... How do you know when enough is enough, and you choose the other direction...Sometimes the other direction no matter how tempting IS NOT AN OPTION! This journey I am on was in no way the way I thought my life would end up. When I met my husband, I had no idea the struggles that we would face in the time since. It has been a VERY HARD and DEMANDING road. It has had many many many heartaches, many smacks in the face and many many times I have often wondered if I was the right person for this journey. Does that mean that I dont love my husband with everything that I have...ABSOLUTELY NOT! I love him with every ounce of my soul. He didnt ask for the hand that he was dealt, what he asked for was to protect the country that he loves and believes in. He didnt ask for the things to happen to him that did. He certainly didnt ask to be treated the way he gets treated now that he is back in the country that he loved and fought for. He is perfect for me. I will continue to fight for him till the day I die. Whether I am with him or not I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON HIM! The same goes for my children. They may not have been born from my body but I couldnt love them any more if they had been. I REFUSE to give up on them. Is it an easy path....NOT by far. But they are completely worth it. Even when they stand in my face and tell me they would rather be anywhere than here, I stand right there holding my breath, fighting back the tears and when they finish their rant I very calmly tell them that I love them and I am glad they are here with me. No matter how much they rant, how much they say they would be better off without me in their lives, that I suck at being a mom, that I dont know anything or how to do anything... I will still continue to love them with every piece of my broken heart. If there was anything that my mother taught me it was to love...not just in the good times, but to love and protect and stand beside my children no matter what the circumstance to never give up on them. When I vowed to love them it was with everything I have, just like my mother did for me... FOREVER! Do I have the heart and the will to continue this journey? I dont have a clue. I know that tonight I feel defeated. I wish Heaven had a telephone so that I could call my momma and ask her what I am doing wrong? How she kept all of us together for so long and why I cant get it together. How she loved my daddy unconditionally.. How she let stuff roll off her back but always went to bat for her babies. How she would work her fingers to the bone to make sure that I had and still made time for me. I used to ask her why she took me...because she already had 6 kids and they were almost grown... She would look me straight in the eyes and tell me because she loved me! She would then teasingly tell me that she got to pick me and she got stuck with the other 6. I would get the biggest smile on my face and she would kiss my head and tell me again that she loved me! I never imagined that I would face motherhood without her. That I wouldnt be able to call her and ask for advice or to call her and for her to tell me that It was all going to be ok. I never saw myself in life without her. There are days that I would give anything just to go home and crawl in her arms and know that I was loved and wanted. Today I just feel defeated. No matter how much I wanted a hug, I knew better than to push, I would just set the hubby off. Today has been an off day... He was tired and frustrated and aggravated all day. So I have tried to stay out of his way hoping that it would get better. It never did today. Not one kiss, Not one hug... I think there was a rub on the shoulder. I just miss him. I hate being up in the house alone... that comes from being raped in my own home when I was married to my first husband by one of his friends. I was 20 at the time.. I am now 36 and I am still scared... Hubby has spent a lot of time in the room today, reading. He says he just needs some down time... It always seems like the times that I desperately need him is the days that he has really bad days. I know that is not his fault. But it doesnt make it easier to deal with. he seems to be able to hold it together for everyone else and be affectionate to the kids... but I get nothing....Leaving is NOT an OPTION! I love him and tomorrow is another day. I always wondered why my momma didnt leave my daddy....I guess now I know!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I am reading this self help book by Kristine Carlson called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Women.. and this is one of the lessons in the book. I am super guilty of this. Of not realizing that I am me and only I can be ME. I am always trying to be like someone else because I think they are better than me. It kinda goes back to that whole noone can cut me down like I can myself. I work hard, I love with all I have, I trust when I shouldnt, and I tend to allow people to hurt me. Why because that is who I am. I give second, third, fourth and fifth chances.... because I love with all that I have in me and I want people to feel that. I cant make them, it is their choice. I am learning that life is all about choices. Good Ones, bad ones, crazy ones. Things wont always work out the way that you think they should. But they work out. You live and you learn. I am learning that my photography may not be the best in the world, but it is surely not the worst and as long as I am learning my skill and making it better, who cares. I know that I am doing the best I can and that is all that matters. So I am going to stop comparing myself to anyone but myself. Because I have come a LONG way in the past year. I need to realize that as a person. I havent been the best wife, mother, or friend that I could have been...is it because I didnt try...NO... Its because I spent too much time trying to be the perfect presentation of all of these. Well guess what Donna Michelle IS NOT PERFECT... Let me repeat that for the whole world to read....I AM NOT PERFECT. I am not the perfect Mother...who is.... I am learning to be a mother with a learning curve...most people get to have their children as babies and learn what they are like and help them mature as they grow... I didnt get this option, the children that our life has been blessed with are much older... 15, and 10. They are very unique and different in their own ways...and have settled into the sibling rivalry quite well. I am giving it my all to be what they need me to be while still trying to figure out exactly what that is.... As far as a wife....well... I dont even know where to begin on that one. I am doing the best that I can and know how. I love my husband more than life. We have discovered that we have 2 very different parenting styles, which again I think would have been easier to deal with and compromise had our children been born to us, so we are adjusting and learning about each other along the way... As long as we are trying and doing the best that we can...that is all that we can do. Well that and take parenting classes....Thank you HAL RUNKEL for the Scream Free Parenting!!!! With friendship, I have been far from perfect and will be the first to admit that I have not given that my all as I should have. I have been so caught up in being a mother and a wife that I have been neglectful of my friends. Its very difficult for me to keep it all together and that was the one that seems to have lacked the most. I feel like my friends are these perfect wives and mothers and they have it all together and I some how cant keep up, which makes me feel embarrassed. So as you can see I am guilty of comparing myself in every aspect of my life. I have to stop...I am not sure exactly how to do that...but I am working on it. Because I am ME and I am a good person and NOONE is better at being me than ME. God chose ME for this particular life...if he had wanted someone else in it...HE WOULD HAVE CHOSEN THEM!!! He didnt so why am I trying to... I am headed to bed..these were just some thoughts rambling in my head.... Good night~
Monday, April 8, 2013
I know easier said than done...its very hard to be the one that feels as if you are the only one trying...because then everyone tells you that you cant make things work on your own. So do you keep trying? This is a question I have been asking myself for a while now. How can I try if I am the only one trying? IN a relationship...YOU CAN'T. You can sit idly by and wait, hope and pray that they decide they want to try to. But what kind of life is that? How do you get thru this and still come out the happier person? For me I have done my best to work on myself. There is no doubt in my mind of where I want to be. NONE WHATSOEVER. So as I have been thinking about this lately, I have been asking myself what about me? Dont I deserve to be happy with myself and the decisions that affect my life? The answer is yes. I DO! AND I WILL! I have started a personal journey, one that I know is going to have some struggles, some mountains that I will have to climb. I am up for the challenge. Because at the end of the day if I am not happy with myself, who is there to blame... ME! I have let other people walk all over me and allowed my thoughts and feelings to not be accounted for. I have allowed my thoughts to mirror other peoples opinions of me instead of thinking about myself. I have allowed myself to be torn down, both mentally and emotionally. But whose fault is that. MY OWN! I have learned alot in the past few years about myself, even moreso in the last few months, maybe down to the last few weeks. I have wiped my tears and put my big girls panties on when I still felt like I NEEDED to cry. Crying is cleansing for me, but because someone else wanted me to stop, I DID. So I have held on to the hurt and negativity, and anger, frustration and sadness. Why because my actions were affecting someone else and they didnt like it. So I packed them up, put me and my feelings on hold because someone else couldnt handle me. I think as wives and mothers, we all do that..I think that it becomes even more of an obligation if you are a caregiver to a veteran. We dont ever want our children to see us hurt or angry. I know as for the children that I care for, they have been thru enough in their short little lives, I dont want to add stress to it. I dont want them to worry about life issues, bills, groceries, arguments between mom and dad...etc etc etc.SO I try to cry in the shower or while they are at school if I need to cry. When you are the wife of a veteran with PTSD, or a TBI, or better yet both....it becomes a little more difficult, especially if they have memory issues. Because if they are the ones that have caused the hurt and then 5 to 10 minutes later dont even remember it....then how can you not pack it up... because there is a fear there that if you tell them what is wrong, then 1. they feel bad, or 2 it recreates the anger that caused the feeling in the first place and it multiplies. Sometimes its difficult to know which one is headed your way, so when you hear them coming you suck it up, run to the bathroom and wash your face and come out smiling. Is it difficult....UM YEAH!!!!!!!!!! But they didnt ask for these injuries... they asked to serve and protect their country! And they DID! Now they are being treated like trash. I was reading thru my husbands records last night on ebenefits and half of the information that they have on file is wrong. They still have him married to his EX. Mind you we have been married for 6 years and have changed this 100 times if we have changed it once. They have him only in theater for 1 month...he was there almost a year. then they have him in a different base than the one that he was even in. His counselor wrote in his notes that we were split up and then the next note that we were still continuing the process for divorce. Crazy stuff that he never said to her. It truly makes me crazy! He already has a bad memory so if he were to be asked about this stuff, he may not even remember the appointment much less what was said in it. When we were looking back at his rating records, it plainly contradicts itself saying that they were only searching records from his first enlistment in 1993, not his deployment of 2003. So they state there were no records of his injuries or that he was even deployed....REALLY! GET THE DATES CORRECT... we have only given them to you a THOUSAND times! The only reason that he even remembers half of the stuff that happened to him is becuase he has to take himself back there every time we actually are able to be seen in the VA.In one of the reports his counselor writes...will see patient more frequently...she has seen him 1 time since then, both subsequent appointments were rescheduled to a later date. We are now into the end of April since the beginning of May. When we were there in October, she advised us that she wanted us to be one of the first ones seen by the new Pysch doc coming in that would be there within the next week and that she would see us back the day after Thanksgiving... She knew then that he was on very rocky ground. We never heard anything except that his appointment with her(counselor) was being changed to Jan....and we didnt get an appointment with Pysch doc until MARCH! Then when we seen the DOC, he proceeded to tell hubby that he seemed fine to him... ok well could you actually talk to him and allow him to tell you how he is feeling as he cant sit still, legs constantly moving and stuttering as he speaks, and eyes moving constantly because he is so agitated. Really he is just fine... Thanks... lets tell him that how he has been feeling since Sept is totally fine. Reguardless of the fact that he is NOT sleeping, CONSTANTLY agitated and extremely depressed, is super angry and I have taken the brunt of it. Thankfully. I am so very thankful that no matter what happens, he is able to hold it together to move away from our children to have an angry outburst. However our children are picking up on the memory issue...as our daughter promptly told him where to turn the other night going to the softball field...just in case he had forgotten she said. But as far as the anger they dont see that. They dont hear it... They do see his bad days where he forgets stuff, they will go behind and turn the water off, or the light off, or shut a door, check the washing machine when they hear it to make sure there are actually clothes in it. They will check the oven after dinner, its the little things that is difficult. If he is leaving by himself, we set the GPS, just in case. We have a daily life of lists. We all have one so that Daddy doesnt feel bad for needing one. At least that is why our daughter asked for hers. These lists include every day household tasks that most of us take for granted... Taking medicine, taking a shower, brushing teeth, who to call with the numbers, what business needs to be handled and places that we need to go. Some days we have really good days and we dont even need the list, and then there are some days that we cant survive without them. We do them EVERY SINGLE DAY, so that if there is a question of memory in the middle of the day we can refer. If we need to have a serious conversation about finances, or the kids, or something that NEEDS to happen then we do so by email or text message so that I have a defense when in 30 minutes he doesnt remember a conversation! Anyway...enough ranting tonight...this is totally not where I meant to go with this blog...but its where I ended up... so I will say again...Dont give up if you still want to try! I love my husband to the end of the earth.... I am determined to get him thru this!