Defeat

No one can direct your actions but yourself. Do not give that power to anybody else. Remember, even when it seems like you are on a one-way road, you can still choose the other direction.

About that other direction. How do you know when to turn around... How do you know when enough is enough, and you choose the other direction...Sometimes the other direction no matter how tempting IS NOT AN OPTION! This journey I am on was in no way the way I thought my life would end up. When I met my husband, I had no idea the struggles that we would face in the time since. It has been a VERY HARD and DEMANDING road. It has had many many many heartaches, many smacks in the face and many many times I have often wondered if I was the right person for this journey. Does that mean that I dont love my husband with everything that I have...ABSOLUTELY NOT! I love him with every ounce of my soul. He didnt ask for the hand that he was dealt, what he asked for was to protect the country that he loves and believes in. He didnt ask for the things to happen to him that did. He certainly didnt ask to be treated the way he gets treated now that he is back in the country that he loved and fought for. He is perfect for me. I will continue to fight for him till the day I die. Whether I am with him or not I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON HIM! The same goes for my children. They may not have been born from my body but I couldnt love them any more if they had been. I REFUSE to give up on them. Is it an easy path....NOT by far. But they are completely worth it. Even when they stand in my face and tell me they would rather be anywhere than here, I stand right there holding my breath, fighting back the tears and when they finish their rant I very calmly tell them that I love them and I am glad they are here with me. No matter how much they rant, how much they say they would be better off without me in their lives, that I suck at being a mom, that I dont know anything or how to do anything... I will still continue to love them with every piece of my broken heart. If there was anything that my mother taught me it was to love...not just in the good times, but to love and protect and stand beside my children no matter what the circumstance to never give up on them. When I vowed to love them it was with everything I have, just like my mother did for me... FOREVER! Do I have the heart and the will to continue this journey? I dont have a clue. I know that tonight I feel defeated. I wish Heaven had a telephone so that I could call my momma and ask her what I am doing wrong? How she kept all of us together for so long and why I cant get it together. How she loved my daddy unconditionally.. How she let stuff roll off her back but always went to bat for her babies. How she would work her fingers to the bone to make sure that I had and still made time for me. I used to ask her why she took me...because she already had 6 kids and they were almost grown... She would look me straight in the eyes and tell me because she loved me! She would then teasingly tell me that she got to pick me and she got stuck with the other 6. I would get the biggest smile on my face and she would kiss my head and tell me again that she loved me! I never imagined that I would face motherhood without her. That I wouldnt be able to call her and ask for advice or to call her and for her to tell me that It was all going to be ok. I never saw myself in life without her. There are days that I would give anything just to go home and crawl in her arms and know that I was loved and wanted. Today I just feel defeated. No matter how much I wanted a hug, I knew better than to push, I would just set the hubby off. Today has been an off day... He was tired and frustrated and aggravated all day. So I have tried to stay out of his way hoping that it would get better. It never did today. Not one kiss, Not one hug... I think there was a rub on the shoulder. I just miss him. I hate being up in the house alone... that comes from being raped in my own home when I was married to my first husband by one of his friends. I was 20 at the time.. I am now 36 and I am still scared... Hubby has spent a lot of time in the room today, reading. He says he just needs some down time... It always seems like the times that I desperately need him is the days that he has really bad days. I know that is not his fault. But it doesnt make it easier to deal with. he seems to be able to hold it together for everyone else and be affectionate to the kids... but I get nothing....Leaving is NOT an OPTION! I love him and tomorrow is another day. I always wondered why my momma didnt leave my daddy....I guess now I know!