Letting go of a dream....

How do you let go of a life long dream turned heart wrenching never ending ache... So here goes my story.... From the time I was 6 years old, the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mother. I wanted nothing more than EVERY aspect of being a mother... from finding out to telling our families, to hearing the heartbeat, to seeing their little shapes on an ultrasound, to watching and feeling my belly swell with the life of a baby... I was never to know all of this. Some of it yes...but only to lead to the most heartbreak I have ever experienced in my life. I have had 10 miscarriages... however 2 of them hurt so very deeply, not to say that the others didnt...but these were the two that I was so sure of.... The first one I knew what going to be my blessing....the first time I met my ex husbands grandfather...he asked me when I was having him a set of twin granddaughters, I was so taken aback that I didnt know what to say... I just stood there... but every time I saw him after that, it was always his question..this was 1994...in 2003, right before my daddy left this earth, he tried to tell me that I was pregnant, and I kept telling him no... a few days after we laid him to rest I found out that he was right and I couldnt even tell him... a couple weeks later we were so completely in shock as we found out not only was I pregnant but there were 2 of them. We were going to have those twin grandbabies that had always been asked for.. ON April 12, 2003 I watched my biological little sister give birth to a precious baby girl, while rubbing my belly knowing that I had 2 coming... it was the most amazing experience ever.. only to have my heart ripped from my chest just 3 days later...Tomorrow marks that anniversary of the day that forever changed my heart. It will be 10 years tomorrow since those precious angels were gone. I will never forget the date...I will never forget the pain. It hurts today, just like it did then. Moving on a few years...My life fell apart. Husband and I got divorced, went thru a really bad relationship, got accused of things that I didnt do, made some extremely bad decisions in trusting people, and had my life pretty much taken from me. Met an amazing man....fell in love, had my heart ripped apart by the hand he was dealt in the Army and his injuries. I decided to stick by him, we had a couple miscarriages, went thru some really tough times...did the best we could.. IN 2011 we were pretty content with our life...we had 7 boys in our life, we were content, I was finally ok for the first time in my life with maybe I wouldnt have any kids of my own. On Friday October 30, my husband insisted that I take a pregnancy test because we had been going to the gym pretty hard core, and I was really pushing myself. I hadnt started... I figured it was because i was shocking the hell out of my body... The test was positive... so he went and got 3 more all positive.... REALLY...we were pregnant again.... After all that time and nothing...I had given up...or so I had thought. All those emotions started coming back... how much I wanted a child of my own, how much I wanted so badly to be a mom... we were so excited, happy. There was very little fear, for once again in my heart I let myself believe that this was it...this wouldnt be another CRUEL heartbreak. Monday we went to the health department and had it confirmed, she said I was barely pregnant...then I thought how could I be barely pregnant. Either I was or I wasnt. Looking back on it we now realize what was happening... On Wednesday we were at the ER...we were miscarrying... AGAIN... #10 for me. I wish every day that I had never taken those tests and had just waited a few more days, I would have never known. I spiraled hard down a hill. I felt like every breath was a hurdle.. I didnt want to be here anymore. It has been a roller coaster ride since then... We have 2 children in our life now, very difficult relationships.... one wants no affection at all, but is extremely jealous of the other one that does want all he can get. I love them more than my own life and I really wish I could just be content. I know I couldnt love either of them if they had been born to me... but not a day goes by that I dont think about what my life would have been like if I could have had my own. I am very thankful for what I do have, please dont get me wrong. I just wonder if I would have had a different experience with a child that was born and raised with me than the one that I have now. How do you let go of something that you have dreamed of your whole entire life. How do you watch your friends have baby after baby, and your family have baby after baby, some of them being just thrown away? How do I let it all go and just be content again? How can I have dreamed my WHOLE life of holding a precious baby in my arms after giving birth to them and it not happen, and I just have to give it up. IT isnt fair. LIFE ISNT FAIR. Everyone says I should just be thankful for what I have. But half of what I have wants nothing to do with me unless it is convenient for her. the other half of what I have, has a momma that he loves very much and would love to be with her if she were able to take care of him. I live with the fear everyday that she is going to take him from us. That he will finally get to be in a good place and be stable and she will take him again. Again, how do I let go....... Anyway...now I am just rambling the random thoughts that are plaguing my heart. So I am going to quit. I have been trying to write this blog for the past three days...so now I can say its done...I should have tried to write it from a good place, but I am not in a good place right now... MY heart hurts.