Courage.... Where is mine?

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,"I will try again tomorrow." - Mary Anne Radmach

I am really coming to believe this... Courage really is saying I have done all I can do and I will try again tomorrow. Even when I know that tomorrow is going to hurt just as bad as today. My heart hurts. My soul feels like it is drowning.. I always thought that my husband was the one person that I could tell anything to. NO matter what, he would be my sounding board. I always try to be that for him, no matter if it is against me or not. I try to always let him vent to me, take his anger out on me. I am not supposed to say anything. I cant have my own feelings, because they are wrong. At least that is how I feel. I have fought and fought for this marriage. Thru all of his PTSD setbacks even though they broke my heart continuously. Thru all of his so called friends. It was me who has always been there for him. I feel like I have nobody. I cant talk to my family, I dont want them to think differently of him. I cant really tell my friends, they wouldnt understand. I watch myself being shut out daily. It is very painful. He makes time for the kids, I am very thankful for that. But time with me has to come on his terms when he is ready. Forget the fact that I need him. I feel like I have noone. I cant tell him my feelings about the kids, because he always turns it around to be my fault. Anything that happens in this house always turn back to me. Turns back to being my fault, I did something to cause it. I am the adult and they are the children and I am supposed to just let them push my buttons. I am supposed to treat them differently. They are different people. They come to us from different situations. I cant punish one of them from love and affection because the other one doesnt want that but is jealous of it. I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I truly feel like I am the one that is drowning. No matter how hard I try they only seem to see the things that I didnt do. I try to be there for ALL of them. Only to be pushed aside and not wanted. Who is supposed to be there for me? Who am I supposed to go to when I need an outlet, I always thought that would be my husband, that he would catch me if I was falling, not be the one pushing me harder down. I HATE PTSD!I hate that conversations are forgotten and then it always seems to make me out to be the bad guy. Then the anger comes and then the pulling and pushing away... I hate that this was the hand that we were dealt, but it is what it is and tomorrow I will try again. I wont give up! Even when it hurts, even when it all seems to fall apart.