Showing posts with label determination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label determination. Show all posts
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Letting go of a dream....
How do you let go of a life long dream turned heart wrenching never ending ache... So here goes my story.... From the time I was 6 years old, the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mother. I wanted nothing more than EVERY aspect of being a mother... from finding out to telling our families, to hearing the heartbeat, to seeing their little shapes on an ultrasound, to watching and feeling my belly swell with the life of a baby... I was never to know all of this. Some of it yes...but only to lead to the most heartbreak I have ever experienced in my life. I have had 10 miscarriages... however 2 of them hurt so very deeply, not to say that the others didnt...but these were the two that I was so sure of.... The first one I knew what going to be my blessing....the first time I met my ex husbands grandfather...he asked me when I was having him a set of twin granddaughters, I was so taken aback that I didnt know what to say... I just stood there... but every time I saw him after that, it was always his question..this was 1994...in 2003, right before my daddy left this earth, he tried to tell me that I was pregnant, and I kept telling him no... a few days after we laid him to rest I found out that he was right and I couldnt even tell him... a couple weeks later we were so completely in shock as we found out not only was I pregnant but there were 2 of them. We were going to have those twin grandbabies that had always been asked for.. ON April 12, 2003 I watched my biological little sister give birth to a precious baby girl, while rubbing my belly knowing that I had 2 coming... it was the most amazing experience ever.. only to have my heart ripped from my chest just 3 days later...Tomorrow marks that anniversary of the day that forever changed my heart. It will be 10 years tomorrow since those precious angels were gone. I will never forget the date...I will never forget the pain. It hurts today, just like it did then. Moving on a few years...My life fell apart. Husband and I got divorced, went thru a really bad relationship, got accused of things that I didnt do, made some extremely bad decisions in trusting people, and had my life pretty much taken from me. Met an amazing man....fell in love, had my heart ripped apart by the hand he was dealt in the Army and his injuries. I decided to stick by him, we had a couple miscarriages, went thru some really tough times...did the best we could.. IN 2011 we were pretty content with our life...we had 7 boys in our life, we were content, I was finally ok for the first time in my life with maybe I wouldnt have any kids of my own. On Friday October 30, my husband insisted that I take a pregnancy test because we had been going to the gym pretty hard core, and I was really pushing myself. I hadnt started... I figured it was because i was shocking the hell out of my body... The test was positive... so he went and got 3 more all positive.... REALLY...we were pregnant again.... After all that time and nothing...I had given up...or so I had thought. All those emotions started coming back... how much I wanted a child of my own, how much I wanted so badly to be a mom... we were so excited, happy. There was very little fear, for once again in my heart I let myself believe that this was it...this wouldnt be another CRUEL heartbreak. Monday we went to the health department and had it confirmed, she said I was barely pregnant...then I thought how could I be barely pregnant. Either I was or I wasnt. Looking back on it we now realize what was happening... On Wednesday we were at the ER...we were miscarrying... AGAIN... #10 for me. I wish every day that I had never taken those tests and had just waited a few more days, I would have never known. I spiraled hard down a hill. I felt like every breath was a hurdle.. I didnt want to be here anymore. It has been a roller coaster ride since then... We have 2 children in our life now, very difficult relationships.... one wants no affection at all, but is extremely jealous of the other one that does want all he can get. I love them more than my own life and I really wish I could just be content. I know I couldnt love either of them if they had been born to me... but not a day goes by that I dont think about what my life would have been like if I could have had my own. I am very thankful for what I do have, please dont get me wrong. I just wonder if I would have had a different experience with a child that was born and raised with me than the one that I have now. How do you let go of something that you have dreamed of your whole entire life. How do you watch your friends have baby after baby, and your family have baby after baby, some of them being just thrown away? How do I let it all go and just be content again? How can I have dreamed my WHOLE life of holding a precious baby in my arms after giving birth to them and it not happen, and I just have to give it up. IT isnt fair. LIFE ISNT FAIR. Everyone says I should just be thankful for what I have. But half of what I have wants nothing to do with me unless it is convenient for her. the other half of what I have, has a momma that he loves very much and would love to be with her if she were able to take care of him. I live with the fear everyday that she is going to take him from us. That he will finally get to be in a good place and be stable and she will take him again. Again, how do I let go....... Anyway...now I am just rambling the random thoughts that are plaguing my heart. So I am going to quit. I have been trying to write this blog for the past three days...so now I can say its done...I should have tried to write it from a good place, but I am not in a good place right now... MY heart hurts.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Determination....
Don't ever give up if you still want to try....
I know easier said than done...its very hard to be the one that feels as if you are the only one trying...because then everyone tells you that you cant make things work on your own. So do you keep trying? This is a question I have been asking myself for a while now. How can I try if I am the only one trying? IN a relationship...YOU CAN'T. You can sit idly by and wait, hope and pray that they decide they want to try to. But what kind of life is that? How do you get thru this and still come out the happier person? For me I have done my best to work on myself. There is no doubt in my mind of where I want to be. NONE WHATSOEVER. So as I have been thinking about this lately, I have been asking myself what about me? Dont I deserve to be happy with myself and the decisions that affect my life? The answer is yes. I DO! AND I WILL! I have started a personal journey, one that I know is going to have some struggles, some mountains that I will have to climb. I am up for the challenge. Because at the end of the day if I am not happy with myself, who is there to blame... ME! I have let other people walk all over me and allowed my thoughts and feelings to not be accounted for. I have allowed my thoughts to mirror other peoples opinions of me instead of thinking about myself. I have allowed myself to be torn down, both mentally and emotionally. But whose fault is that. MY OWN! I have learned alot in the past few years about myself, even moreso in the last few months, maybe down to the last few weeks. I have wiped my tears and put my big girls panties on when I still felt like I NEEDED to cry. Crying is cleansing for me, but because someone else wanted me to stop, I DID. So I have held on to the hurt and negativity, and anger, frustration and sadness. Why because my actions were affecting someone else and they didnt like it. So I packed them up, put me and my feelings on hold because someone else couldnt handle me. I think as wives and mothers, we all do that..I think that it becomes even more of an obligation if you are a caregiver to a veteran. We dont ever want our children to see us hurt or angry. I know as for the children that I care for, they have been thru enough in their short little lives, I dont want to add stress to it. I dont want them to worry about life issues, bills, groceries, arguments between mom and dad...etc etc etc.SO I try to cry in the shower or while they are at school if I need to cry. When you are the wife of a veteran with PTSD, or a TBI, or better yet both....it becomes a little more difficult, especially if they have memory issues. Because if they are the ones that have caused the hurt and then 5 to 10 minutes later dont even remember it....then how can you not pack it up... because there is a fear there that if you tell them what is wrong, then 1. they feel bad, or 2 it recreates the anger that caused the feeling in the first place and it multiplies. Sometimes its difficult to know which one is headed your way, so when you hear them coming you suck it up, run to the bathroom and wash your face and come out smiling. Is it difficult....UM YEAH!!!!!!!!!! But they didnt ask for these injuries... they asked to serve and protect their country! And they DID! Now they are being treated like trash. I was reading thru my husbands records last night on ebenefits and half of the information that they have on file is wrong. They still have him married to his EX. Mind you we have been married for 6 years and have changed this 100 times if we have changed it once. They have him only in theater for 1 month...he was there almost a year. then they have him in a different base than the one that he was even in. His counselor wrote in his notes that we were split up and then the next note that we were still continuing the process for divorce. Crazy stuff that he never said to her. It truly makes me crazy! He already has a bad memory so if he were to be asked about this stuff, he may not even remember the appointment much less what was said in it. When we were looking back at his rating records, it plainly contradicts itself saying that they were only searching records from his first enlistment in 1993, not his deployment of 2003. So they state there were no records of his injuries or that he was even deployed....REALLY! GET THE DATES CORRECT... we have only given them to you a THOUSAND times! The only reason that he even remembers half of the stuff that happened to him is becuase he has to take himself back there every time we actually are able to be seen in the VA.In one of the reports his counselor writes...will see patient more frequently...she has seen him 1 time since then, both subsequent appointments were rescheduled to a later date. We are now into the end of April since the beginning of May. When we were there in October, she advised us that she wanted us to be one of the first ones seen by the new Pysch doc coming in that would be there within the next week and that she would see us back the day after Thanksgiving... She knew then that he was on very rocky ground. We never heard anything except that his appointment with her(counselor) was being changed to Jan....and we didnt get an appointment with Pysch doc until MARCH! Then when we seen the DOC, he proceeded to tell hubby that he seemed fine to him... ok well could you actually talk to him and allow him to tell you how he is feeling as he cant sit still, legs constantly moving and stuttering as he speaks, and eyes moving constantly because he is so agitated. Really he is just fine... Thanks... lets tell him that how he has been feeling since Sept is totally fine. Reguardless of the fact that he is NOT sleeping, CONSTANTLY agitated and extremely depressed, is super angry and I have taken the brunt of it. Thankfully. I am so very thankful that no matter what happens, he is able to hold it together to move away from our children to have an angry outburst. However our children are picking up on the memory issue...as our daughter promptly told him where to turn the other night going to the softball field...just in case he had forgotten she said. But as far as the anger they dont see that. They dont hear it... They do see his bad days where he forgets stuff, they will go behind and turn the water off, or the light off, or shut a door, check the washing machine when they hear it to make sure there are actually clothes in it. They will check the oven after dinner, its the little things that is difficult. If he is leaving by himself, we set the GPS, just in case. We have a daily life of lists. We all have one so that Daddy doesnt feel bad for needing one. At least that is why our daughter asked for hers. These lists include every day household tasks that most of us take for granted... Taking medicine, taking a shower, brushing teeth, who to call with the numbers, what business needs to be handled and places that we need to go. Some days we have really good days and we dont even need the list, and then there are some days that we cant survive without them. We do them EVERY SINGLE DAY, so that if there is a question of memory in the middle of the day we can refer. If we need to have a serious conversation about finances, or the kids, or something that NEEDS to happen then we do so by email or text message so that I have a defense when in 30 minutes he doesnt remember a conversation! Anyway...enough ranting tonight...this is totally not where I meant to go with this blog...but its where I ended up... so I will say again...Dont give up if you still want to try! I love my husband to the end of the earth.... I am determined to get him thru this!
I know easier said than done...its very hard to be the one that feels as if you are the only one trying...because then everyone tells you that you cant make things work on your own. So do you keep trying? This is a question I have been asking myself for a while now. How can I try if I am the only one trying? IN a relationship...YOU CAN'T. You can sit idly by and wait, hope and pray that they decide they want to try to. But what kind of life is that? How do you get thru this and still come out the happier person? For me I have done my best to work on myself. There is no doubt in my mind of where I want to be. NONE WHATSOEVER. So as I have been thinking about this lately, I have been asking myself what about me? Dont I deserve to be happy with myself and the decisions that affect my life? The answer is yes. I DO! AND I WILL! I have started a personal journey, one that I know is going to have some struggles, some mountains that I will have to climb. I am up for the challenge. Because at the end of the day if I am not happy with myself, who is there to blame... ME! I have let other people walk all over me and allowed my thoughts and feelings to not be accounted for. I have allowed my thoughts to mirror other peoples opinions of me instead of thinking about myself. I have allowed myself to be torn down, both mentally and emotionally. But whose fault is that. MY OWN! I have learned alot in the past few years about myself, even moreso in the last few months, maybe down to the last few weeks. I have wiped my tears and put my big girls panties on when I still felt like I NEEDED to cry. Crying is cleansing for me, but because someone else wanted me to stop, I DID. So I have held on to the hurt and negativity, and anger, frustration and sadness. Why because my actions were affecting someone else and they didnt like it. So I packed them up, put me and my feelings on hold because someone else couldnt handle me. I think as wives and mothers, we all do that..I think that it becomes even more of an obligation if you are a caregiver to a veteran. We dont ever want our children to see us hurt or angry. I know as for the children that I care for, they have been thru enough in their short little lives, I dont want to add stress to it. I dont want them to worry about life issues, bills, groceries, arguments between mom and dad...etc etc etc.SO I try to cry in the shower or while they are at school if I need to cry. When you are the wife of a veteran with PTSD, or a TBI, or better yet both....it becomes a little more difficult, especially if they have memory issues. Because if they are the ones that have caused the hurt and then 5 to 10 minutes later dont even remember it....then how can you not pack it up... because there is a fear there that if you tell them what is wrong, then 1. they feel bad, or 2 it recreates the anger that caused the feeling in the first place and it multiplies. Sometimes its difficult to know which one is headed your way, so when you hear them coming you suck it up, run to the bathroom and wash your face and come out smiling. Is it difficult....UM YEAH!!!!!!!!!! But they didnt ask for these injuries... they asked to serve and protect their country! And they DID! Now they are being treated like trash. I was reading thru my husbands records last night on ebenefits and half of the information that they have on file is wrong. They still have him married to his EX. Mind you we have been married for 6 years and have changed this 100 times if we have changed it once. They have him only in theater for 1 month...he was there almost a year. then they have him in a different base than the one that he was even in. His counselor wrote in his notes that we were split up and then the next note that we were still continuing the process for divorce. Crazy stuff that he never said to her. It truly makes me crazy! He already has a bad memory so if he were to be asked about this stuff, he may not even remember the appointment much less what was said in it. When we were looking back at his rating records, it plainly contradicts itself saying that they were only searching records from his first enlistment in 1993, not his deployment of 2003. So they state there were no records of his injuries or that he was even deployed....REALLY! GET THE DATES CORRECT... we have only given them to you a THOUSAND times! The only reason that he even remembers half of the stuff that happened to him is becuase he has to take himself back there every time we actually are able to be seen in the VA.In one of the reports his counselor writes...will see patient more frequently...she has seen him 1 time since then, both subsequent appointments were rescheduled to a later date. We are now into the end of April since the beginning of May. When we were there in October, she advised us that she wanted us to be one of the first ones seen by the new Pysch doc coming in that would be there within the next week and that she would see us back the day after Thanksgiving... She knew then that he was on very rocky ground. We never heard anything except that his appointment with her(counselor) was being changed to Jan....and we didnt get an appointment with Pysch doc until MARCH! Then when we seen the DOC, he proceeded to tell hubby that he seemed fine to him... ok well could you actually talk to him and allow him to tell you how he is feeling as he cant sit still, legs constantly moving and stuttering as he speaks, and eyes moving constantly because he is so agitated. Really he is just fine... Thanks... lets tell him that how he has been feeling since Sept is totally fine. Reguardless of the fact that he is NOT sleeping, CONSTANTLY agitated and extremely depressed, is super angry and I have taken the brunt of it. Thankfully. I am so very thankful that no matter what happens, he is able to hold it together to move away from our children to have an angry outburst. However our children are picking up on the memory issue...as our daughter promptly told him where to turn the other night going to the softball field...just in case he had forgotten she said. But as far as the anger they dont see that. They dont hear it... They do see his bad days where he forgets stuff, they will go behind and turn the water off, or the light off, or shut a door, check the washing machine when they hear it to make sure there are actually clothes in it. They will check the oven after dinner, its the little things that is difficult. If he is leaving by himself, we set the GPS, just in case. We have a daily life of lists. We all have one so that Daddy doesnt feel bad for needing one. At least that is why our daughter asked for hers. These lists include every day household tasks that most of us take for granted... Taking medicine, taking a shower, brushing teeth, who to call with the numbers, what business needs to be handled and places that we need to go. Some days we have really good days and we dont even need the list, and then there are some days that we cant survive without them. We do them EVERY SINGLE DAY, so that if there is a question of memory in the middle of the day we can refer. If we need to have a serious conversation about finances, or the kids, or something that NEEDS to happen then we do so by email or text message so that I have a defense when in 30 minutes he doesnt remember a conversation! Anyway...enough ranting tonight...this is totally not where I meant to go with this blog...but its where I ended up... so I will say again...Dont give up if you still want to try! I love my husband to the end of the earth.... I am determined to get him thru this!
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